Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Was just flirting with the idea...

Recently one of the journals I read decided to have a second, more personal journal in private.  She felt that maybe some of her venting about family life would not be a good witness and defeat what she was trying to do with her public journal, plus she has a real privacy issue (understandable).  Then one of the ladies from church read my journal (after I had given her the link to the breast cancer post) and read my rant about friendships and I know she is very sensitive and may of felt it was about all the women in my life including her.  She e-mailed me and said we should make more of an effort to do things together.  That was nice and great and made me happy but I don't know, I wasn't directing my vent at her and I feel like maybe I hurt her in some way.  That is not my intention at all.  I normally do not have a lot of ppl who know me off line read my journal (or if they do they are quiet lurkers, tisk tisk) so I have had the feeling of freedom to write what every comes to mind with little consequences and yet I WANT ppl to read my blog, because sometimes I can write what I am thinking much better then saying it out loud.  Also my husband has asked that I keep some restrictions in my writing about his work life and the things he brings home and talks about not be put in here.  And yes that is understandable but a bit frustrating when what happens to him does effect me and I can't talk about it.

So I am flirting with the idea of having a private journal.  A place to keep the things that may not be appropriate in this one but things I want to write about to get off my chest. Then the whole thing about who would I invite to read it or not read it or should I just leave it for me and what not comes up.  I have kind of been proud of the fact that my journal is public and ppl can see me live out my life in Christ, what a great witness I thought.  But as we all know I am not perfect, so my walk is not always perfect.  Some think that will effect how others see Christ, while I think all the more reason to let them see the good and the bad, so they know he is with me threw it all. 

If you go back to some of my org. entries you will read why I started this one and the feeling of taking back the freedom and control to write my private thoughts.  I thought if it was public no one could use it against me and hurt me, unlike what happen with my diary growing up.  Thus it is called HUNYBEA'S OPEN JOURNAL! lol  So I am wondering if I do have a private journal will I still be true to myself?  Would I feel like maybe I should change the fabulous title on this one?  And as scatterbrained as I am, can I keep up with two journals??  If you notice my journal jar entries are not very often lol. I deleted awhile ago the journal I had kept that was my more creative writing one, exploring more of the darker themes. It was just not fun and not honest or it got toooo honest and I didn't want anyone to read between the lines.

I guess I just need to really examine what I am trying to say and do with this public one and if my real private thoughts and rants will fit in with it.  I have a feeling that more ppl I know offline will start to come here. The new church directory is coming out soon and I put my blog address with our personal info.  Ya, I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing either LOL but I can't take it back.


  1. I have felt you holding back for a long time. I can see its affecting you and I really liked when you let the real you out. So if that is what it takes them start a private joruanl.  I cant say i havent thought of it since the lady I was ranting about reads mine and I know its only to be  nosey and keep up on me nad what I m doing.

  2. i think that you've always held back, and you have so much more to say. understandably its not here, because this is public. look at me, i went totally private and i have no problem saying what a relief it is to only have the people i trust and love reading it. i can talk about whatever i want relationships, family, work, etc..and i dont have that voice in the back of my mind saying, "oh goodness, you've done it now!", only because noone i work with or my family reads it. they know me too much already. :o)

    but, thats my rant. dont know if it helps much but i sure feel better myself saying it. so we shall see how things go. but, ummmm yea. contemplate it!

  3. I hear ya sister!  I have only been blogging a short time and I was really enjoying the comments and things.  I had put the link to my journal in my siggy line for emails and I guess I didn't think anyone I knew would even scroll down that far, but I had several people (offline) tell me they enjoyed reading my journal.  I said thanks, etc., but immediately I'm running backwards in my mind wondering if I said anything that would offend Lucy, or Sally, or Joey, or Jill.  I noticed I was thinking about it on the last piece I wrote for the journal and I know that's not the way it should be.  I'm pretty darn sure I can't keep up with 2 journals (for myself I mean), so I don't know what the real solution is.  I would sure understand if you decided to go private.

  4. Well just don't do what that other gal did who went private.  She didn't keep an open one.  I feel like I never got a chance to know her.  Oh well...  Anyway, I'm finding that I still put some personal stuff in my public journal so people at least get to know me a little.  Then I figure when I get to know someone well enough I will add them to the other one.  So far it's working out okay although I feel like my private journal must be kind of boring for folks to read LOL.  But they end up giving me good advice.  I find the journal comments much longer for my private journal as opposed to the open one.  It's been kind of neat having two.

  5. Oh btw, here's the address.. Don't feel obligated to visit though... when you have free time... http://hometown.aol.com/freedfromevil/111.html  (Like I said, it's kinda boring).  : )