Friendships that crumble and supressed memories

SaddestSong has inspired this entry (((((HUGS))))

What makes a real friend?  Is it someone you tell your deepest thoughts to?  Is it someone who is there even if it is just to shoot the breeze?  What makes a friend?  Some ppl make friends easy and fast but those friendships fizzle out over time, others have walls that are built so high around their heart that it is almost impossible for them to have friends but when they do let someone into that comfort zone, it is almost for sure it will be a lasting life time friendship.

I have very few friendships that have endured long years, but the ones who I still consider friend are those who love me no matter what and I love them no matter what.

Sometimes it is very hard for me to have more than an acquaintance with ppl, hard for me to let them into that inner circle of truth, into my heart and not be afraid of abandonment.  I learned along time ago sometimes ppl you think of as friend is nothing more than someone passing and leaving stomping prints in your life.  I try and not let that effect how I relate to ppl but sometimes the Lord has to really speak to me and let me know it is OK to let someone in. After all, life is not worth living if you can't take chances and have a wall up all the time.

I have had to move around a lot, especially growing up.  So I learned how to make friends but I always had the thought in the back of my head that one day I will move on and this friendship will be one of those passing things I leave behind, even if we say we will keep in touch.  But I did have one friendship that traumatized me and I think that contributes to why it is hard for me to let ppl in.

Junior High is hard enough, but being new and not knowing many ppl makes it worse.  Being shy and awkward, learning about proper hygiene, having a growing body that is getting too much attention from boys, just trying to figure out where you fit in. Those teen years suck so bad but it is always helpful to go threw it with a real friend.  Someone to share make-up and clothes, have sleep overs and talk about boys, to share your secrets with, to get in trouble with.  I thought I had found one.  Cricket was a year ahead of me but yet we bonded.  For over a year and a half we was best friends, inseparable.  I havemany stories I could tell but I don't want to get into it, it hurts even still to this day.  I wasn't ever the most popular in Jr. High, I got my fair share of taunting and teasing.  This made me even more shy but with Cricket I felt like I was worth something, that I could be who ever with her, that she understood me and didn't care that I was in a different kind of social class than her.  She endured my embarrassing family, she was one of the few ppl I felt OK inviting over.  Her Mom was a stay at home Mom even though most of her kids was about grown, but she treated me like family and never had a problem with me eating over or even sleeping over on school nights.  Cricket was the youngest and had an older sister that was in the process of moving out and she had an older brother (who was my first love) who looked out for her and really protected her and Cricket idolized him and his friends.  She seemed to have a real stable family, something I kinda wanted.  They had lived in the same house forever with the picket fence to boot.  I really thought she was lucky to be the youngest in the family since I was the oldest but I was never jealous of her, I just loved her and her family.

At school I was like a different person than the one who was carefree out side those walls. Like I said, I was on the lower end of the social totem pole or pecking order as they say but it was OK since I had real friends out side of school.  For Halloween, one of my last for tricker treating, Cricket and I went out, as a joke, She was that skinny exercise instructor and I was a wantabe gangster lol (ya real original).  I slept over at her house and we had school the next day, but I hadn't planned on it so I didn't have school clothes, so I squeezed into one of her skirts.  During the first or second period as I sat down it ripped in the back (can still hear the sound of it) and I was being laughed at already for wearing a skirt that didn't fit right and this just added to it even more.  I was sent home, my dad had to come and get me, I was so embarrassed.  There was a certain girl who laughed the hardest and teased me the worst after that.  But I didn't care, I was counting down the days till winter break.  One day after school Cricket and I was walking from her house, on the way over to Consuelo's (my real best friend) and on the way that certain girl was in the area hanging out with a large group of slightly older girls.  They walked over our way and I really was off guard, I was out of school, I was being the other ME.  One of the older girls walked up to me and the other girls circled us, she said "I HEARD YOU CALLED ME A B*TCH and talking Sh*t about me!" I was totally not prepared for this and I said "I have never seen you before in my life! I don't know you, why would I talk sh*t?" AND BOOM as soon as I fished my sentence she was punching me without warning.  I was stunned!  I was confused!  And what did my best friend Cricket do? Not a thing! She stood there for a second and then ran off. It happen fast and was over fast and I ran the rest of the way over to Consuelo and Cricket caught up with me after that. She had fetched her older sister but by then it was too late.  Since the only girl I knew was one of them, I gave her name to the principal at school right after it happen, the office was still open and it did happen right across the street.  But that was probably the worst thing I could have done. After that I got an even worse reputation for being the girl who got jumped and then snitched. sigh.. But I didn't care, I was counting down those days left of school and I had real friends outside of the school setting. Right? So I thought.. after a while Cricket started to avoid me, stopped taking my calls, and really I was very naive, I just thought she was busy or something, it took her brother (after one of our make out sessions) telling me what she had said after listening to one of my messages left for her on the answering machine that made me see the light. I had said, HEY its ME, remember, YOUR FRIEND? and she had said NOPE DON'T WANTA KNOW YOU.  I was crushed when her brother told me that.  I was depressed for the rest of the school year, locking myself in my room as soon as I would get home.  I know what happen, she got a whiff of the teasing I was going threw and didn't want to be on the end of it herself, so she separated herself from any association from me.  Unknowing to her I still kept in touch with her older brother(it was one of those secret love thangs, since it was bout agenst the law cuz of him being so much older*shaking my head*) but as I grew up a bit more that too faded away.  Last year Consuelo saw her at a gas station and said hi to her, but didn't get any updates on her or her family.  I wonder here and there about her and how her life has been but I wonder more about her brother than her since he was my first. 

Oh well, suppressed memories, what was the point of this entry again??